I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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