Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
