So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
