I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
