I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
