If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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