maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
