My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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