There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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