I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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