After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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