i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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