We won't sleep together?
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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