I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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