is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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