Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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