does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
