Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
