forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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