I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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