Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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