I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
