I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
