You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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