awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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