I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
