I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
