I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
