Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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