I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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