i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
