I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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