Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
