I skipped work to stalk him.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
