I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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