Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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