It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
