And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
