How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
