I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
