From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
