I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
