i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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