I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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