I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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