Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
