I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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