i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
