My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
