I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
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I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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