Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
