I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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