Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
