how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
