Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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