im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
