and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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